Hey man, what you need to know right now is that taking a shower with you sucks!
Okay, so that was a little harsh, but it’s the truth. Taking a shower with you, whether it is to conserve water, conserve time, or attempt shower sex, sucks. I mean picture the scenario in your mind: Two people in a tiny shower stall, washing together. Don’t even get me started on two people in a tiny shower stall having sex together; it’s just so crammed!
Let’s be honest with ourselves, shower stalls are only meant for one person to use them at a time. And, even still, if the shower is a little bit bigger than a shower stall, it’s still probably only meant for one person to use at a time. If two people use it, chances are at least one out of the two of you will be extremely uncomfortable. For instance, one of you may have water spraying over your head, then going in your eyes. The other may not be getting enough water to rinse off, in turn making the two of you switch positions, in turn making the opposite person uncomfortable in a different way (I know I’m babbling and using the expression ‘in turn’ a lot, but I’m assuming you’re following my drift).
On the other hand, getting all wet and soapy with your partner can be loads of fun, and even super sexy (depending on if you do it the right way). So, per usual, I’m here to give you some tips before hopping into that steamy shower with your lady.
Check out the main things you should know before showering with a woman below (from a woman’s point of view).
Yes, you can use my shampoo, but use it sparingly. That stuff costs $20 per bottle.
You know how my hair always looks magnificent? You know how my hair always smells super delicious? Yeah, well, that’s because of my shampoo. It’s pretty top-notch, which is why it’s so expensive. If I conserve my usage of it, you should conserve yours (or just go buy your own).
Water does not do what lube does… It actually does the opposite.
Water does not get me wet (you know, horny wet). Lube does get me wet. However, using lube in the shower kind of doesn’t work. It washes away rather quickly unless you put it on your penis and slip into me real quick.
If you’re thinking of using water to pleasure me, it’s not going to work. It will have the opposite effect and may end up hurting me instead of making me feel good.
In addition, using water to get me to produce natural juices won’t work, either. It’ll just wash away any natural lubrication produced.
Soap can make things very slippery and sexy in the shower…However, if you get it up my hoo-ha, I’ll kick your rear end.
Women are not supposed to get anything scented up in their vagina. It’s a known and proven fact. There could be interactions or reactions or anything bad that could happen. And I can promise you that I’ll kick your ass if you get soap up there just because you ‘couldn’t keep your hands off of me.’
If you’re smart, you’ll do us both a favor: Don’t touch me down there when I’m washing or when you’re washing. Make sure my vaginal area and your hands are free of soap before diving in. Thanks so much.
I need to be under the hot stream of water for more than 50% of the shower. My nipples may freeze off if I’m not.
We need to share the hot stream, and when I say share, I mean I want to be under it for the majority of the time. Please don’t try to negotiate this.
I know in the movies it’s sexy to push the girl up against the wall, but trust me, IT’S NOT.
Do you want me to freeze my ass off? That glass is cold! Being pressed up against that does not get me horny, at all. And, if you’re thinking of turning me around and pressing me up against that tile wall, think again; it’s just as cold as the glass door.
Don’t pick me up and put me around your waist to have sex.
This may work well if we’re near a bed or a couch, but picking me up around your waist in the shower is downright dangerous. I mean, do you want someone to find us both dead in the shower days later? Because slips and falls tend to happen if you do heavy lifting in the shower.
Chill out, save this for when we’re done washing
I don’t mind going down on you right now; this way, I know your dick is really clean.
This is valid proof that your penis is clean and not sweaty or dirty. Plus, I know you men don’t tend to wipe after you pee. So, you want a blowjob? Ask now.
I’m not skipping my regular shower routine just because you’re standing aside me.
Don’t look at me strangely when I decide to leave my conditioner in for a full five minutes; this is how I get nice silky hair. And don’t judge me when I go through an extreme exfoliating routine; this is how my skin stays smooth.
Don’t watch me while I’m taking my make up off unless you’d like to see what a close-up raccoon looks like.
When the mascara and eyeliner come streaming down my face as I wash it, you might get scared. Turn away, get out of the shower, close your eyes, do anything to avoid the sight of this. You’ll thank me later.
Be careful around me when I’m shaving any part of my body.
When a blade is to my skin, any sudden movements can harm me. I could scrape my skin, I could start bleeding, and I could lose some layers. Don’t mess with me. I need to concentrate during these vital five minutes of shower time. Thanks.
Make out with me for a little.
Wet lips feel amazing. And, when you’re making out, the sensation is incredible. Plus, you don’t like to stay out in the rain with me to replay Nicholas Spark’s movie scenes, so this wetness will have to do.
Plus, we’re naked. Major turn-on.
Do not try to wash my hair. I want to do it, so just watch me do it.
This is not romantic. Nine times out of ten you’ll end up getting soap in my eyes, they’ll start to burn, and I’ll start freaking out. Just watch and admire as I do the washing.
I hope you guys liked my advice (straight out of my mind, the way I talk and all). Keep these tips in mind and maybe your girl will want to shower with you all the time!
By Jenny Lyn